So, my boyfriend and I are not speaking right now. He is now my ex-boyfriend. I actually found out that he was married because his wife emailed me asking me to stop talking to him. I had some suspicions during our relationship that he was avoiding some things or leaving out information but I never gathered enough proof or convictions to actually confront him. I didn't want him to think I didn't trust him.
He was the first man I really thought about the future with. Since I didn't meet him in person for a year, I guess it made it a lot easier to deal with all of this. I have wonderful friends who want to now go up to him and kick his ass and I'm grateful. It turns out that the ex has a history of doing such things--meeting and developing various relationships with other women while he's with someone. He really had me going. I was all tied up in knots trying to pump myself up to telling my parents and the rest of the family if things really did work out once we met. It stressed me out actually, but I didn't care because the way he made me felt was worth the risks. I have never been married, never had kids... and I was thinking about the prospect of taking on the responsibilities of raising two girls, a 7 year old and a 14 year old. All for love.
I was angry the first few days of these new discoveries. Angry that I've been constantly telling him my fears of dishonesty in relationships and the guy cheating on me, I met my worst fear in the disguise of a great man. Don't get me wrong, despite his sexual addictions and whatever else he deals with, he's a wonderful man and a great father. My heart goes out to him and hope that it's worth it enough for him to seek professional help so he can become a wonderful husband too. His wife is so nice, sweet, caring, and understanding. We are now emailing back and forth since she first wrote me so she can get some answers and so that I could get my closure.
Sometimes, it just frustrates me that the good people have to deal with such unfortunate circumstances. If I knew the ex's wife in real life, I believe we would be good friends. In a lot of ways, she is a lot like myself. She was only married to her husband for less than a month when he started communicating with me. I believe that they deserve an equal chance and opportunity to work on their marriage--it would only be fair to the wife. She is trying very hard to be understanding and will confront him this summer when both of them aren't working so that they can work on his problem.
Although I don't regret my efforts into the relationship, I am afraid that it has damaged me in the trust department. I already had issues with the guy being unfaithful to me in the past and this only made it worse I think. My fear of the guy cheating or just being dishonest with me has grown worse. However, I don't regret meeting him. He has taught me a lot of things about myself during the year that we were "together" and I definitely can say that I did the best I can in the relationship so I can walk away knowing that it was not my fault that it ended.
So it's time to move on. Time to focus on school--I hear back from some nursing schools in a few weeks. I'm ready for a true relationship... one full of trust, honesty, love, and friendship. I don't plan on settling for any less. Until I find it, I won't get married and I am definitely okay with the possibility of not getting married if I don't find that person in my lifetime. I will explain more in my next posts as I think of things to discuss about this...
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